there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
