I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
