A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
