I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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