Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
