everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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