guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
