Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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