Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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