omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
