i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
