I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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