I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
