so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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