yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
