So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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