How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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