I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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