How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
