Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
