All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
