a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
