yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize