the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
