My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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