dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
