My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
