i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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