My first STD was from a foam party
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Randomize
