it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize