totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
