How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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