I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
