I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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