hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
