Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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