if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
