I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
