I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
