it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my vag is so smooth its legendary
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
