Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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