Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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