I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
