Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It's never too late to be topless.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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