This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
