Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
