what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Are we still banned from the library?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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