my shit smells like andre
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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