im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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