If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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