Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
