the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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