Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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