I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize